Long Walk

So I was browsing through my journal and found a poem, an actual POEM, that I forgot existed.  I figured it’s more real than a lot of the drama I mull over in this blog.  So here goes:

You were critiquing the fake-ness of our world, so I wanted to offer you something real.

Only,  I couldn’t find anything real to give you.

You opened your mouth, and your words warmed my heart.  On that walk of destiny.

A path I had been on so many times before without paying attention

But your words demanded my respect.

Not because you are acclaimed by academia,

Not because you’re a ghetto superstar,

Not because you’re fine – and it’s late night.

But because your words articulated years of my frustrated and tongue-tied sighs.

They simply captured the complexities of me.

I didn’t have to choose who I wanted to be.  Who I wanted you to meet.

Didn’t wonder if I wasn’t black enough.  Or masculine enough.

I feared your judgement because you understood me.  You exposed all my chaos.

Falling in love with a conversation.

That rush of dopamine you get from the excitement of finding a kindred spirit.

It was a rare moment.  To get out of my own way and ignore the neurosis.

Calmed by just being with you.

I didn’t understand how being a Black Queer Man could be a revlutionary act until I met you

And I felt joy, and wonder, and harmony, and potential.

Two unique souls bound by a common thread.

Seamless in our navigation through comical man made boxes.

Transcending our titles

No need to explain, justify, defend, adapt.

Had we walked under the stars any sooner I might not have been ready.

Nascent yet optimistic  in the art of self love,

Only recently having committed to valuing myself like I deserve,

It felt fresh to love you  for who you are

And just to walk.

In My Skin

 

Trapped in this new me, but I feel so free.

As I explore and discover…reveal and uncover – myself.

I could never see the ease in life, because the alligators were in my way.

Hiding the true simplicity of appreciating each day.

And as I let go

And stopped caring about what I didn’t know…

And told myself to stop thinking and just flow,

I realized that life doesn’t happen yesterday or tomorrow.

And by regretting and foreseeing…I was living in sorrow.

That there was so much more,

To do and explore…

And now I feel freer – than ever before.

Because wherever I go – well there I am.

And regardless of if I begin with a plan…

What will happen will be,

The day will reveal things to see…

And I’ll deal with the challenges and do what I can.

But the living in fear of what might or not be -

Is no longer the destiny that I want for me.

Because though there will be challenges – often and real,

I can live in my moments – and feel what I feel.

For tomorrow might bring things I don’t find okay,

But why would that stop me from living today?

I have a great skill,

And a much greater will…

And can truly make wonders from perceived disarray.

But I thought this confidence was so far away…

When it was waiting for me to say I was okay,

To forgive and to heal

Look at myself and be real,

And then it would join me on this brand new day.

But now that I have it, and can see things anew…

And know that life’s moments are fleeting and few.

I’ll do what I can,

For once be a man…

And do what feels right for myself, and not you.

My Cake

I know sometimes it seemed I loved you less than you loved me.

But my love for you was ever present, just hard for you to see.

Because it came in spurts between my anxiety and your fears,

And made us question how life would look as we journeyed through the years.

But you strode ahead, determined, dedicated to make love work,

While I festered inside my inner thoughts, and drove myself bezerk.

But when we were together, just you and I, then everything would fade.

And we’d be reminded of the strong friendship that we’d made.

A friendship that tried to connect on the premise of something more.

But was better suited to keep itself the way it was before.

Because as much as you were ready to turn into a pair,

My selfishness and independence was not yet primed to share -

My everything.

But you deserve so much more than my most,

And that is not something too easy for me to boast.

That you gave your heart so very openly to me,

And I gave you mine wrapped so securely.

But into the same bond we went, unaware the stakes were not the same

And it is neither of us who come up on top, and I feel I’m to blame.

For wanting to have my cake and eat it too,

When all you want is someone to be true.

And I tried to be that man for you, but all I did was find,

That in monogamy I’m the petty and selfish kind.

And rather than be that nagging force – that drives you to the edge

I’d rather be supportive and true – and make the friendly pledge.

But friends can’t have what we had – when we shared our innermost selves…

And that is a book I’m not quite prepared to put back on the shelves,

But I can’t have my cake and eat it too,

Because as you’re friend I’d kill the man who did that to you.

But I’d kill the next one you’ll soon find, at least in my head…

Because his arrival will mean that I am truly dead.

That you have done what I always hoped you do

Move on to a man who loves the way you do.

And then, maybe we’ll be able to be friends again…

Making the days after tomorrow like they used to be back when…

We were un-titled and free and were turning into great friends

And we’ll have access to our love again.

But just friends, because anything more for me

Would just end up hurting you, and making me long to be free.

For you gave me a love that was ready to last,

And forced me to realize…stone cold and fast

That love, though something I exude with a might,

Is a process that I am still striving to get right.

And I have faith that one day I will succeed

But until then, how unfair of me to keep you from what you need.

So I’m pleading immature, and hoping you’ll amend

Because I can’t be your everything, but want to be your friend.

Unicorn Tribute

unicorn.jpg

Once upon a time there was a wonderful Unicorn named Denieal. And though all unicorns are special, Denieal had an even more spectacular kind of magic. For Denieal had the ability to show people who they really were. Now don’t mistake this feat for a simple one, reader. For rare is the one who is able to show us the parts of ourselves we often hide or are afraid to see. Honesty is the best policy, we all know. But what we don’t know…or at least admit reader, is that honesty is the hardest thing for humans to do. And that’s why unicorns like Denieal are so splendiferous.

Now reader, I know quite a bit about unicorns for I had the great pleasure of being close friends with one. Denieal was a beautiful unicorn. With vibrant red hair that took many fascinating forms and the smile of a thousand happinesses. We would laugh together at the dark and ironic beauty of the world. Comment on varieties of clothes, and how some people had the nerve to wear colors and sizes they should never have entertained. We fashioned magical unicorn sangria, and smoked the herbs of the world. We danced with the energy of a thousand tweekers. Oh yes reader, we danced. We did yoga booty ballet (unicorns love that). But probably most important of all – we called out the egos of the world.

You might not know this reader, but it is important to remember just how many people live their lives doing things they shouldn’t. Perpetrating people they are not. Living in the closet of their stupidity and fear because they imagine, and are probably right, that people won’t like or appreciate them. You have seen them in your neighborhood – wearing various skirts of random design over tattered jeans. You have seen them at your office – with the halitosis that would scare a thousand skunks. You have seen them on the street – in baby blue silk oriental patterned suits with bright orange top hats and kicks. These people are not your friends, reader. And they are very, very, contagious. Denieal and I hunt these villains daily, looking for any possible opportunity to make their transgressions known. Take note of that fact reader. If you ever run into one of these – we call them – Hasslehoffs – call it out, and they will disappear! And this was the eternal quest that Denieal the unicorn and I were on.

But being in a unicorn posse isn’t all sangria and laughs. Oh no. it means you too must submit to the highest levels of unicorn scrutiny – and be as scrutinizing of the unicorn itself. I am sad to say reader, that we all have a bit of Hasslehoff in us. And even unicorns themselves have been tainted by the Hasslehoff phenomena. So it is important that they find human allies. Ones that have been shown to possess natural Hasslehoff antibodies. These unsuspecting humans befriend unicorns, and are slowly trained to tap into their own magic. (All humans have magic, reader, but few are open enough to reach it.)

And that’s just what Denieal did for me. She showed me the truth about myself, allowed me to reflect some of her glory back to her, and helped me tap into my inner luscious-ness. And with that came strength, creativity, freedom, and faith. All these things were bestowed upon me by Denieal.

A lot of people don’t know this…but unicorns are extremely sharp-witted. Using saucy words like ‘erstwhile’ or ‘expunge’ (they have a gigantic vocabulary). Taking in every detail on the morning commute. Not only that, but they love playing with words – and creating new ones! We would make our own magical words together. A kind of unicorn-ebonics. Unicorn love ebonics. And chicken. And the color red. This may seem a random digression, but I am trying to give you conversation topics should you ever run into a unicorn, reader – so be patient. You might ask me, “long winded writer guy, won’t you share some unicorn-ebonics with us so we might talk to one?”. Is that right? Is that what you’re asking me in your lonely apartment as you roam through cyberspace pretending tomorrow will be more interesting? Well, no. I won’t. You wouldn’t understand it anyway. Every unicorn is different. I just happened to get a ghetto one.

But I loved her, and she loved me. And I loved her for loving me, and she loved me for loving her. And for two sarcastic, random, and left field souls…there was a lot of love going on, reader. And that’s what this story is about. Love. And maybe telling people that your ass is supposed to fill the biker shorts all the way….they’re not meant to be baggy. And as always, all good things come to an end. Denieal had to go. There were other parts of the world that need her magic. Other people who have to help stop the Hasslehof phenomena. And Denieal left me with a task. But even though I might have tapped into my magic – I can never utilize it to its full potential without its unicorn counterpart.

But I must press on. As Denieal spreads her Unicorn glory over other parts of the world, I must keep up with the Hasslehoffs in my hood. Calling out the bad hair days, and poor parenting that continues. Only, its lonely being the only one. So my eyes will definitely be on the lookout for glimpses of unicorn magic in my daily quest. And I will always be grateful to Denieal. Who opened my heart, my mind, and my potential to the idea that I was someone special…capable…and magical.

And reader, you only find a unicorn like that once in a lifetime.