30
Aug
13

Doe Eyes

If I’m upfront about the lack of chemistry or attraction; clearly staring into what could only be described as “doe eyes”, I’m presumptuous. “What if I just wanted to be friends?!” (But you didn’t…)

If I assume platonic friendship, and you make a move that I block, I’m a tease? “You could’ve said something sooner…” (Or you could take a hint)

What’s the right balance to strike when someone’s head won’t let him comprehend non-verbal communication, and simultaneously blocks his ability to engage in verbal communication?

I’m out there in this dating game just like you. Trying to wade through all these crazy heifers looking for some kind of meaningful, two-way, Pixar type of love connection with a side of HBO. But let’s face it: every date is a gamble. And if we aren’t a fit, I’m still going to try to spare your dignity so you can keep your head up enough to stay In the game! Its not a courtesy that’s common, at least not one that is typically extended to me – so be grateful. I’m doing it for you.

No more sympathy extensions. Dragging the one-way courtship out to “spare” your feelings. And no more pity sex either. Don’t get me wrong; I think you’re valuable, worthy of being loved, and destined for greatness – even if its not with me. But not being a romantic fit doesn’t mean we can’t be friends. community. brothers. Contrary to popular belief, some homo friendships do start, evolve and come to their sunset without sex.

But a lot of guys don’t see it that way. Ego, cloaked as Rejection, that old bitch, rears her ugly head. “Fuck you too.”

I guess. But why would either of us hold the other back from getting closer to the men out there just waiting to be the perfect compliment to each of our unique brands of crazy?

20
Aug
13

Pledge

I am a commitment to love. To being a transformative person; one who can make magic from minutiae. I turn oppression into opportunity. Hardship into hope. Strive to treat others as I hope they’ll treat me – and still treat them that way when they don’t. I am letting go of expectations, but embracing my standards. I will allow myself space to make mistakes. To be human. To experience and not suppress my emotions. But I will always choose love, faith, and joy over negativity when given the opportunity. I will fully embrace the journey of becoming who I am – and let go of waiting to breathe until I “get there”. I will aways plan for tomorrow, but never forget to live today. I will always believe in the power we all have as individuals, but never allow you to forget the oppressive and draining context that we mutually inhabit; at least, not until we’ve changed it. I am an ally. I am a source of comfort. A mentor. Willing to learn with you from my mistakes and lift your successes up high. I am because you are. And what I am, what you are, what we are all capable of being if we allow ourselves to be – is fabulous.

19
Aug
13

Putting the Ass in Passive Aggressive

So, check this out:

20130818-171813.jpg

I had let a complete, Logo TV worthy, gay mini drama unfold without once writing or whining about it (Well, except to a few unfortunate choice friends). But this passive aggressive text put me Over the top. This is a conversation thread from Scruff, an app for guys who are all misfiring into a virtual sea of other guys either looking for love, sex or something in-between they aren’t so skilled at articulating. Of course I love it. And I have made several friends, play buddies and even romantic options (granted, failed options) in this venue. But some conversations are better had in person.

A friend of mine ended up on a date on Christmas Eve. And as we had both been enduring a period of rather tangible loneliness, I was trying to be supportive of this good turn of events. Until he texted me a picture. It was my ex. I admit that I immediately tried to act as if I wasn’t too hurt. Especially recalling how supportive I was of my friend telling me about the “best first date sex he’d ever had…” I also will admit that a list of incompatibilities scrolled immediately through my mind; of how one was too sexual and one was too needy for this to ever work.

It worked. And it bugged me. I couldn’t figure out why for some time. When I finally did uncover the rationale for my anger, it surprised me. I was upset because I wanted to respect my Ex’s feelings on monogamy. I have been poly curious for some time, and have yet to find a suitable dating partner who is willing to explore something genuinely with me. It’s not like I need to have things open right away, but I am interested in negotiating once I have a solid foundation with someone. I struggle with revealing this too soon or “leading someone on” – and both usually leave me right back where I started. Alone in bed. I know my former friend to be much more sexually adventurous, substance partaking and morally ambiguous than myself – all qualities I adored until directed towards an ex I still had feelings for. And out of respect for my ex I won’t relay why I felt he would be particularly vulnerable to my buddy’s unique brand of manipulation. So I did what I probably shouldn’t have. I contacted my ex to let him know that he’d better get real clear on who he was with and what they both wand out of it. I admit, I wasn’t expecting the response I got.

I was told at it was none of my business (true perhaps), that they had talked and this person did indeed want monogamy (a lie unless this person has dramatically changed in only weeks), and that at least this guy didn’t cheat on his ex…( a jab that never came out while we were together, and interesting power/hurt play. Also unfortunate because the guy he was defending had indeed cheated on his ex. With me). This last bit made it clear that feelings or not, I was to move on – and let this situation resolve itself. If they could find happiness together, who was I to deter them?

And then this Scruff message. His asking if I was still upset. Referencing the one man who served as both of our last boyfriend as “that one guy”? As if this were an ordeal from long ago? Bitch, please. And to top it off – to let me know the man I left in order to respect his monogamous wishes was cheating on me? “A lot”?! Which I doubt, but even if It is so – nice delivery bitch. But this person has never been one to miss a dramatic opportunity.

So I’m not pressed. But definitely intrigued. And surprised. I had thought for certain this was a match meant to last…

13
Aug
13

You’ve Got Male

20130812-224107.jpg

So, I got a text today. I know, interesting right? But seriously this isn’t the kind of text I get everyday. Although it is the kind of text I should get everyday:

Hi Carnelious, (sp?)
I just wand to apologize for my behavior yesterday. While you were the perfect guest I was sorely lacking as a host. Not only that your prowess as a top was impressive plus you were fun to be around, period. Your visit was a nice surprise and very enjoyable. Thank you again for your graciousness.

Crazy, right? The text that would redeem at least 75% of the 90% of dates that go horribly wrong (the other 25% of botched dates might be my stuff, I’m willing to admit that) finally arrives in my inbox. And (despite my misspelled name) it made me feel, well, proud. Proud that I am indeed secure enough in myself to maintain my grace and humor in the face of cynical gay minutiae. Proud that I can control my urge to either curse out, punch or angrily yelp about the elitist and judgmental gay who doesn’t want to be judged. And I guess, I might as well admit it, proud that someone finally “got” that regardless of their previous conviction – they’ve never really bottomed until I was inside them. i mean…as a sensitive, “Politically Correct”, mild mannered activist recently exploring his inner kink – it’s nice to have your inner stud verbally validated (in addition to whatever it is they usually yell into the pillow, that is.)

The only catch? I didn’t mind this particular guy’s hosting. Didn’t Even register it. He owed me no apology. Granted I’m a bit numb to manner-less gays, as to take offense to all of them would leave little time in my day. But there was no “continuation chemistry”. I was perfectly fine walking out that door with a familiar and hollow “call ya later.” And then this. He tells me what I’m staring at the phone, craving to hear from anonymous guys 1 – 9. And I’m not sure if I’m the Ass or the Hole. Or which is worse.

But beggars can’t be choosers. So ill take the compliment, politely refuse the second date, and revel in the fact that it is indeed possible to fuck some sense into someone.

Oh, by the way, I know what you’re thinking. And yes, I did sleep with him on the first date. Its not like I could afford to wait after all. If we were going nowhere fast, I at least wanted to enjoy the ride.

21
Jun
13

Lonely Potato

20130620-231340.jpg

I couldn’t help but indulge myself in a moment of self pity last night. As I snuggled up close with my fleece blanket to fall asleep, I realized – I’ve been sleeping on my couch. Not because I don’t have a bed. But because my California King bed is too big for my loneliness to handle. Every stretch reminds me of how no one is there next to me. I can roll over and over and over again before I run into Buster, my overgrown stuffed dog who is usually somewhere half on the floor and half on the wall trapped by the bed.

It came to me last night, why I have slumbered on my couch the last few days. It’s because if I press against the cushions just right, it feels like a hug. I know that sounds crazy, but if you’re buzzed, sleepy and apparently desperate enough – the imagination can do powerful things. I’m not sure what this man drought is all about, but I do know that between Spring fever and Pride month and the libido these herbal supplements have kicked in – I’m in serious romantic movie watching, ice cream eating, exasperated lovelorn sigh mode.

I’m trying to keep busy because I’m feeling like one lonely potato. And it is not a good look. Crazy how you can live a life that keeps you surrounded by people – and still feel so alone.

02
Apr
13

Closet: I Am that I Am

I am a Black/Native/Unknown gay cisgender male.
Raised Christian, Pentecostal to be exact.
I currently identify as Spiritual, Intuitive and Blessed.
I am in regular communication with God through myself, my ancestors
and the challenges of life.

I am Loving by choice
Open and Friendly by choice
I am hurt, but actively trying to let go and not hold that against you.
I’m insecure about my masculinity
But there. To offer an ear, a hug, a meal or a couch to loved ones in need –
And holding down a job, a home, and a life.

I am sexual.
I am revolutionary – which I feel embodies imagination, kindness, love and optimism
In the face of your ugly side.
I am ordained by Destiny.
Blessed by Spirit to make dreams tangible,
Yours and mine.
My words speak things into existence.

I am Visionary.
I am compassionate.
I am here to change the world –
To love you, to learn with you.
I am curious.

I believe that God made me in Her image,
I believe I am saved by Grace.
Spirit is with me, shining brightly
Whether I be in church, on the streets or in my lover’s arms.

I am a commitment to nurturing Love and relationships around me
No matter how clumsy or insecure I may feel.

I am a commitment to fostering Freedom for All
Despite the resistance of those I fight against, for and with.

I am a commitment to being Christ-like,
Despite my particular Christian programming.
I’m not what I oughta be, but thank God I’m not what I used to be.

If we lived in a world where it was okay to be “out” about all these things,
My heart would be extremely light.
But we don’t.

We live in a world where YOU have to think it is okay for me to be these things;
And therein lies the problem.

15
Feb
13

A Day in the Life of Love

20130214-234328.jpg

It’s Valentines Day. I’m single, sarcastic, spiritual and stoned. So of course it turns into quite an interesting day🙂

Let’s see:
Morning hike to work, pulling a successful webinar out of my ass, car drama and a superhero big brother, words with a friend, power ballad naked karaoke for one, helping a buddy test out his new sex sling, and double stuff Oreos with my evil twin while watching Sex and the City episodes? Yes, please!

I might be going to bed alone, but I’m quite a sexy valentine to have. I might even put the moves on myself…