Archive for December, 2007




I’m not sure what I’m looking for, but I don’t know what that has to do with finding it…

Yet as I go through this reflection on myself,

Scared to start something new until I come to some conclusions –

Who I am, Who I’m striving to be, What kind of relationships I truly want…

I question the idea of a soul mate, and wonder if I’d still sabotage it even if I found him.

Relationships – it’s all in the intentions and the timing.

Unfortunately, being a gay male, we usually don’t abide by anyone’s clock but our own.

I just want a guy to intuit me. To realize sometimes I mean what I say, and other times I really don’t say what I mean.

I want to find someone comfortable being the sole owner of my heart, but open to sharing my body.

Willing to go on adventures, to be spontaneous, to live life when it comes to us.

But secure enough to pull out of the rat race now and then…and cherish the little neck of the world we’ve created for ourselves.

Where are you? My contradictory knight in shining armor?

You, who will know when to support me.

When to call me out.

When to let me be right.

When to lovingly set me back on track.

That special someone who can laugh at my jokes – and pick the truths from them when they’re coming from hurt.

That man who is comfortable being a man…who loves a man.

Who is someone I can look up to, now Down Low for.

Comfortable enough with himself to let me be comfortable – at my own pace.

Strong enough to seek me out for love and support and guidance,

And share the burden of being on my team.

That special guy, who loves me unconditionally – and won’t put up with my shit.

And at the same time, joins my in a dreams…knowing I have the power to make them come true.

When will he join my team, our combined forces making strides in this swiftly spinning world.

And fight with, for, and beside me.

Every queen wants a good man, but that’s not specific enough.

There are tons of good men out there who aren’t right for me.

I need that man whose unique brand of crazy, of ambitious, of loving, of creativity, of perseverance, and of faith compliments mine.

Someone who can handle the fact that as fast as I move, as overwhelmed as I may get, as self absorbed as I might seem – I am not bigger than the potential of our love.

And will not ever choose my Ego over him – as much as that same Ego might flare in heated moments.

The man who will trust in my promise to always come back to him – willing to communicate as well as give him voice.

The centered man who will never lock me in a box – dependent on my empty promises to give his life security, validation, and purpose.

But who will leave me free to choose him daily.

And I will choose him daily.

For the strength in the freedom he gives me.

The wonder in the love he shows me.

The sincerity in the support he provides me.

And the truth in the respect he offers me.

Is all I ask in exchange for my devotion.

For the right to unpack my bags and stay a while in the cocoon of his love.

Knowing that there is where I can find a support when I’m the underdog.

There I can find validation, when all my idea needs is a chance.

There I can find peace when the world is tearing me down.

And re-kindle my rainbow and flame – when I’ve done more than I can do.

To create a home together,

Whose stability anchors us as we fly freely and honestly through life.

And despite what gay relationships could be, should be, will be, have been, stereotypically are…

We will be just be two individuals who work well together,

And choose to every day.

Gay Hands



December 2007
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