Archive for April, 2008


Big Shit

What Next...

Everyone always tells you not to sweat the small shit. But no one tells you how that works. Or what constitutes small shit versus big shit. Or if you’re not supposed to sweat it…what you should do with the small shit. Especially if the small shit keeps on coming…does it build up to big shit that you have to deal with? Or just stay lots of small shit, like a dirtying windshield – clear enough for you to keep on driving, but noticeable enough to irritate your journey?

No one tells you that the key is to laugh during the short gasps you get in this triathalon called life. And even if they did tell you – you wouldn’t listen. When we get that simple advice we’re usually too stressed and overwhelmed to listen – or worse, we write it off as nagging hippie optimism. But that’s all we have – because our drama is not going to get better or go away. And even if by chance it does, something even more challenging will replace it. And to see this ever increasing mountain as a testament of your strength, rather than proof of how much the universe hates you is rather frustrating. But why?

We are so closed to optimism because we are convinced it means the giver can’t possibly fully comprehend the layers of our problem(s). Even if your friends offer reasoable solutions, you will counter with unreasonable scenarios that will rob you of even having the potential of hope in your situation. Why is it so easy to remain ovewhemled, but so hard to just let go? How invested are we in maintaining a status quo we’ve set up for ourselves instead of making our happiness and well being the norm?

I’m not writing this to convince you to be happy through your trials. I am writing this to remind myself that I have to be. I apparently have some measure of talent. I care about the world. I believe that regardless of how outnumbered goodness is in this world, it is still worth investing in. This places me in a scenario where traditional success and happiness might not come my way. But since when did I lead a traditional life? I am learning to re-think the way I value my riches. By nature of being Black in this country, gay in this world, caring in this economy, community driven in my career – I have agreed to take on some weight. Maybe not the weight of the world, but the weight of MY world. And lately I spend every free moment lamenting this life I don’t have time to live because I’m too busy being tired, frustrated, or venting.

The simple solution would be to find a new path if the one I’m on makes me so unhappy, right? But I’m not unhappy at all. I am unbalanced, and that’s the shift. I love my job, regardless of the ridiculous situations and hurdles I am placed in front of. I have faith in the intention, creativity, and beauty of my team. But as a super student and workaholic, I was just starting to figure out what my identity includes OUTSIDE of work. There is so much more to me than where I work, but my choices in life lately do not reflect that. I limit myself constantly, spend energy blaming my job only to return to work there, and repeat the cycle. A cycle that is unfortunately common in my chosen field.

But I’m not in this field by choice. I was placed in this field to use a skill set I apparently had but couldn’t articulate. What is important is that I am choosing to stay in this field. I want to empower myself in this situation, because I can leave at any moment. I am young enough to make moves – but I feel honor an pride and worthiness in doing what I do. That self-investment is worth more than salary to me. But that commitment makes it all the more important to invest in the areas of my life outside of work that make me who I am. To go on the camping trips, to dance, read, write, take long uber-gay candle-lit baths, and rock out in crazy outfits.

I can’t take my frustration out on the world if I’m choosing to stay in my situation. I just need to get a grip on why I’m staying. I can’t keep avoiding people I care about as I delude myself that it is only until I get better at enforcing my priorities. Baby steps is the key. Not being upset at being overwhelmed, but expecting it, honoring the feeling, and doing something besides wallowing to balance that energy in my spirit.

Fuck you, I know this all sounds common sense. But this shit is huge for me. Which makes it hard to deal with the little shit – like people’s attitudes, or parking tickets that fuck up your paycheck to paycheck routine, or commuting, or no groceries, or double booking friends, or not having clean underwear. They still exist, and can still fuck up my day. But a fucked up day doesn’t make a fucked up week, month, year, or life. And that’s whats up.

I don’t have time to dwell on how bad I am in relationships while there is someone busy trying to love me. I don’t have time to feel like I abandoned my family when I have nephews and nieces growing into young adults who need an ally. I don’t have time to pout about not being in a play, when opportunities to dance are always around. I don’t have time to feel embarassed about how small my apartment is when most of my friends have roomates. I don’t have time to get pissed that I never travel when there are so many local things I haven’t seen. Okay…so maybe I do have time for those things, but couldn’t that time be better spent?

I know this all seems simple logic, and you might very well have figured much of this out already. But it’s the simple logic that gets most easily lost in a chaotic world.




April 2008
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