Archive for May, 2008

01
May
08

Curiosity Cleansed the Cat

It\'s Go Time

Lately I’ve been trying to open myself to new things. As I pretend to grow closer towards adulthood, I’m learning the importance of balance. Between work and personal life. Between indulging in vices and managing my health. You get the idea. But I never thought in a million years that I would be chillin’ in my bath tub on a Monday night with a plastic bag full of coffee headed down a tube and up my ass.

But then again, who ever really sees that coming?

Coffee enemas. The new and improved way to get that clogged colon of yours acting right. They work wonders on the skin, are emerging as stress reducers, and give you great sustainable energy. Just ask Janet Jackson, who apparently does this 3x a week.

A co-worker of mine, during a staff meeting check in question about products we would love to create commercials for, said she would make hers about coffee enemas. Immediately after hearing her fabulous commercial – and after a few more follow up questions about what exactly a coffee enema was and why one should suffer the treatment – I had to try it.

I felt like a teenage boy buying a condom in the downtown San Francisco Walgreen’s store. Unfortunately, I was a grown man purchasing a personal douche system. I’m not sure which is worse. The purchasing actually went pretty smooth. I think the cashiers had better things to think about than me. But realizing I had bought the wrong thing….I needed an enema, not a douche…meant that I would have to return to Walgreen’s. This was fairly simple as well, though I felt guilty and embarrassed. The packaging box didn’t help with its blatant advertisements on every angle of the box. But perhaps it was purchasing the enema at the same time as the Folgers that did it.

Perhaps I could have waited a while to try this cleansing system out, but I’m a little too impatient for that. God Bless Greg. My dear (hot) friend who has been much more than a friend for sometime now. He was the lucky one who got to be my assistant for this process. Did I need an assistant? Probably not, but he was coming over to head to the gym anyway – so I figured I shouldn’t go through this alone. I figure he had an intimate knowledge of my ass anyhow. Turns out he’s not such a huge fan of coffee – or enemas – but hung in there with me like a champ.

My heart goes out to those of you who are enema or douche regulars. The process is simple enough to complete, but definitely takes some patience and space to execute. I was not familiar with either of these processes – so had only my imagination, YouTube videos, and Google Images to rely on. So we boiled the coffee. Cleaned the enema kit. Cooled down the coffee. Practiced talking through our routine and using the enema with water. Prepped the bath tub and put a movie on the computer. We prepared to hang a while. And then we got going.

It wasn’t horrible. I think my ass sensed that I was nervous, because my sphincter employed the jaws of life to keep me out. Not being a user of anal sex toys, something was akward about lubing up the plastic part that would find itself lodged where no tube had gone before. I eventually got it in there, and Greg began to raise the enema bag. I could feel the liquid rushing inside me, but was more focused on trying to keep the enema from pushing its way out. After a while I finally relaxed, and the rest of my Folgers brew flowed right in.

The instructions told me that my goal was to hold the liquid inside for at least 12 minutes. Minutes 1-9 were a breeze. So much so that I did bath tub acrobatics – massaging my abdomen, and turning into various poses to ensure the liquid was working its way around inside. It seemed simple enough, and I thought perhaps I did it wrong since I didn’t seem to feel any discomfort. But minutes 10 – 15…were another story. My stomach began to groan with the fury of a thousand middle children. I got raging cramps, and had to all but staple my ass shut to fight against the pressure plunging its way towards my anus.

For a moment I felt as if I were in labor. Wanting nothing more than to get it out of me, but too paralyzed by cramping to get out of the tub. I held it in…minute 12. Cramps. Be strong. Minutes 13. 14. Almost there. On the 15th minute I kicked Greg out of the bathroom…and got more intimate with my porcelain pony than I care to share….but let me tell you this. It was sweet release.

Once it was over, I wasn’t sure if I should be on standby for other avalanches of colon, but it turns out there was no need. My stomach had done all it came to do, and was now ready to be left the hell alone.

Was it akward as hell? Yes.

Was it worth it? Yes.

Is it something I should be blogging about? Probably not. So I apologize for the TMI.

But the following two days, I have felt more energized, and somewhat more grounded. I realize this might just be an elaborate placebo. But I think there’s something to this java infused idea. So perhaps you should give it a shot?

As for me, I think next time I’ll upgrade from Folgers. I wonder how Starbucks would feel about helping me out…