Archive for February, 2009

03
Feb
09

Peter Pan

Apparently growing up means saying yes to shit because it will give you the inside shit that will help you succeed in your current shit where it seems like you just can’t get your shit together.  Shit.

2009 has been triumphant so far, and it’s only the beginning of February.  I’m in need of a formal and extended vacation.  But at the same time, I guess it’s exciting to face new responsibilities and challenges, because my boredom was causing me to make some bad choices.

But developing new programs?  Applying for hefty volunteer posts in local politics and activism, and managing to not only hold on to – but blossom – in the first relationship I’ve decided to take seriously?  Who is this wonder-prick?

I am trying to harness my energy in positive directions.  I was just so used to being optimistic out of despair, poverty, and cynicism – that I forgot to have faith in what I fantasized about.  Apparently. when you put a little faith into fantasies they turn into attainable goals and dreams.

A good friend of mine taught me the beauty of affirmations.  I just never internalized the lesson until put in the pressure cooker, determined to make diamonds.    In the face of increased work loads without increased pay, the conflicts of having to love my family, and the internal brain vs. libido fight –  I have managed to dance more than ever before, take up snowboarding, and start my application processes for graduate school.  Maybe I’m Obama-ized.  I just think I am tired of longing for the things I want as I sit full of potential.   It’s go time.

Unfortunately as you show initiative and drive, more responsibilities come your way.  But I’m okay with living hard – as long as I play hard too.  So I’ll take those swing classes with my boyfriend, and go to church despite the homophobia, and make the effort of commuting to salvage relationships with my family.    It’s a different feeling to engage with life rather than comment on it as it passes you by.    And it’s unfair to have an analysis of this world, to really appreciate its beauties and suffer through its tragedies – and not contribute what you can to it.    I’ve spent too much time in awe of go-getters, watching quietly from the sidelines with better ideas and more compassion.   If what makes me shine is helping those around me shine – then it’s all of our time to shine.

Hippie?  Or Revolutionary?  Either is better than lazy stoner.

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