Archive for May, 2009

19
May
09

Long Walk

So I was browsing through my journal and found a poem, an actual POEM, that I forgot existed.  I figured it’s more real than a lot of the drama I mull over in this blog.  So here goes:

You were critiquing the fake-ness of our world, so I wanted to offer you something real.

Only,  I couldn’t find anything real to give you.

You opened your mouth, and your words warmed my heart.  On that walk of destiny.

A path I had been on so many times before without paying attention

But your words demanded my respect.

Not because you are acclaimed by academia,

Not because you’re a ghetto superstar,

Not because you’re fine – and it’s late night.

But because your words articulated years of my frustrated and tongue-tied sighs.

They simply captured the complexities of me.

I didn’t have to choose who I wanted to be.  Who I wanted you to meet.

Didn’t wonder if I wasn’t black enough.  Or masculine enough.

I feared your judgement because you understood me.  You exposed all my chaos.

Falling in love with a conversation.

That rush of dopamine you get from the excitement of finding a kindred spirit.

It was a rare moment.  To get out of my own way and ignore the neurosis.

Calmed by just being with you.

I didn’t understand how being a Black Queer Man could be a revlutionary act until I met you

And I felt joy, and wonder, and harmony, and potential.

Two unique souls bound by a common thread.

Seamless in our navigation through comical man made boxes.

Transcending our titles

No need to explain, justify, defend, adapt.

Had we walked under the stars any sooner I might not have been ready.

Nascent yet optimistic  in the art of self love,

Only recently having committed to valuing myself like I deserve,

It felt fresh to love you  for who you are

And just to walk.

15
May
09

Macro vs. Micro

So it’s been a while since I wrote anything, and I apologize to both of my fervent readers.   I am inclined to think that my not writing is a good sign.  I have been trying to live life more than just analyze it – and apparently it’s keeping my ass busy! But what’s been underlying my thoughts a lot lately is how to separate a bad day from a bad mood.   How to separate the bullshit of people in the moment, from my overall love of people.  How to be constantly vigilant of the inequalities inherent in our daily lives, and still be able to find joy and laughter in moments.  Is it possible?  I think so.

I am for the most part a positive, optimistic,  and understanding person.  But sometimes I get so steeped in moods that it turns the situations around me miserable.  I think it’s fine to have some of both, but I am attempting to remain more centered.  Apparently I haven’t found yoga or pilates yet.  And don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to be any kind of neo spiritual hippie.   But I have noticed my potential for healing and enlightenment.  And it comes to me through others.

I know we’re all interconnected, but there is something to be said for projecting onto others.   I just used to think that projection was a negative thing.  And while it definitely can cause its fair share of drama – projecting works equally as well in the positive realm.  I’m in at least 3 situations I do not have any immediate escape from.  And I refuse to play the victim, because I choose to remain in those situations.  My job.  My relationship.  My family.  Three parts of me that are critical to my identity – but don’t make me who I am.   Things lately have not been easy, but they have definitely been rewarding.  And instead of being positive with people when I’m happy and sour with people when I’m feeling down – I am trying to invest in all my loved ones no matter what; but without expectations and within realistic boundaries for myself.

It’s a challenge, because sometimes you want to go all out for people.  But other times you want shit to do with them.  This is an unhealthy balance, because no matter what situation or mindset you’re in – there is always someone who can either open a window of opportunity and someone who can drag you down.  And both exist all the time, everywhere.  Mostly because they are in their own situations and mindsets when they encounter you.   And you might be one of those two people for them.  So I am trying to be the “opportunity guy”.   This is easy when I’m in a positive mood, but it’s healing when I’m in a negative mood.  And now that I’ve found that out, I’m obligated to live it.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still a sarcastic and selfish asshole.  But it’s a lot more in check that it used to be.   This is how it works:  everytime I feel in a sour mood, or would like a little support – i send out a message to friends or loved ones giving them the support I need.  It might sound backwards, but it works.   For example, if I am feeling insecure about work – dumb and incapable – i would give some shot outs to friends that praise their brilliance, and remind them that they are destined for greatness.    It might seem simple, but the impact of transforming your thinking from one of need to one of giving has some powerful effects.  It doesn’t make payday come sooner, or your partner magically understand your point of view – but it builds the support base you need to get through truly tough times.

This is a groundbreaking concept for me; someone who used to have tons of names in his cell phone, but no one he felt he could call when times were tough.  Either because I never bothered to keep up with folks, or because I was afraid that the only time we spoke was when I had a problem.  Or even worse – because I would avoid people I thought were needy and would only want advice or support (talk about projecting?).   But lately,  and with the help of being a Sagittarius trapped in monogamy, I have come to realize the value of investing in friendships.  I have disproven my own hypothesis:  being selfless with friends does not drain you of the energy you need to take care of yourself.  Giving always gives back to you – and exponentially.

And having a friend base is what makes it possible to accept the Macros of life without sacrificing the joy of our Micros.  I am a Black, Gay man and racism and homophobia aren’t going anywhere.   But I can still embrace my sexuality and ethnicity on a daily basis and find beauty in the struggle.  I am figuring out the Non Profit Industrial Complex, and bound by funding dilemnas and beauracracies – but I can still enjoy the successes of work and learn what I need to know to have a lasting impact.

I realize now that these contradictions are necessary.  I can’t put my friends, my family, or my life on hold until that day when I have worked hard enough to eliminate my mountains.  My mountains aren’t going away.  But I can give selflessly and genuinely of myself as I climb that mountain.  And I can help others climing similar mountains clear a path of their own.