Archive for January, 2013


Night School

“Innovation is my whore fetish.”

I was sitting in SF Citadel, an event space in San Francisco that caters to the Bay Area’s Leather/BDSM community. I’d never considered this cohort of folks a “community” per se. When I think Leather, it evokes images of whips and nipple clamps, busty dominatrix ladies and human urinal guys. My take away message: More important than the idea that there are folks out there who find pleasure and release in an act you find despicable, is the idea that there is a community that seeks to understand, educate and support these folks.

This particular evening’s course, “Beginner’s Dungeon”, seemed right up the alley of my friend and I. We are both Queer folks raised in very Christian households, and both fairly experienced sex educators. And while we advocate for a range of sexual freedoms and rights for a variety of folks, we are seeking to deepen our own personal experiences through exploring our sexualities and challenging ourselves. We are newbies who talk a good game but wanted to engage with the community more and see what these scenes and events and folks were really all about.

So we grabbed Panda Express from the mall and brought our ad hoc dinner into the play, I mean educational, space. We settled in next to the wooden crosses, suspension supports, aftercare couches ( the whole concept of aftercare blew my mind with how common sense it was, and how none of us “vanilla” sex folks are invested in it.) and an amazingly cool retro disco dance floor that I would personally love no dance naked on. For the next 3 hours, this would be the setting for our kink u cation. I was encouraged by the diversity of my classmates. Older white couples and younger brown ones, friends and individuals representing a range of genders. All of us coming together on a cold San Francisco winter Thursday night to see if there was indeed something kinky about us, or if our partners or perhaps the alcohol had just gotten us all wrong.

It is critical for me to remain sex positive in my field. I can’t be a Black gay man working in HIV prevention and a judge folks for living their lives. And since my best friend recently began working in the adult industry, my liberal theories have been put to the test. I mean, I want her to be free and put those 36 Ks to good use, but I also want to stab her fans when they get out of pocket. So I’ve been facing sexuality on several fronts lately and am unsure of where I stand. It is a constant battle between the Church of God in Christ boy in me and my blossoming Radical Queer. I’m on a constant journey of figuring out how to be an ethical slut. Figuring out love and lust. Figuring out how to communicate from my head, my heart and my hard on.

It is also challenging to be a loving gay person in the Bay Area, where so many Mo’s bring their hang ups and projections. Caring is considered weakness. Optimism mistaken for naïveté. But I have at least begun to find a few magical folks who are proud of their spirituality, celebrate their sexuality and engage with their community. Thoughtful freaks, I call them. And a I grow stronger in myself, I notice something inside me longing to get out. I am not sure if this something is my inner freak or not, but I figure I can afford to let it out since I’d be thoughtful about it, right? Maybe it’s that wild macho top stud muffin porn star. Maybe it’s another layer of nerd I’ve yet to uncover.

I had always thought of top as referring to cock in ______. ( I’ll let you decide which openings work better for your imagination.) I didn’t really conceptualize the top as scene builder and mover, as making a space where a bottom could let go of control and be subject to the control of a top who could push his limits in the most sexy and innovative ways.

So much of my work intersects with trauma; folks surviving assault, hate and identity inspired violence, self-loathing, survival sex, and the list goes on. I am a commitment to loving and caring for these communities. But all too often, my hyper sensitivity to boundaries and consent interferes with the sexiness of “the moment”. Even when my bottom says yes, I find myself double and sometimes triple checking. I suspect this is because I know what it’s like to have a top who doesn’t respect the limits. That is something that sticks with you, and that I never want to re create. But I’m not that top.

I deserve, and my bottom(s) deserve the full-on, hot, deep, rich f*ck that comes from truly letting go and trusting your partner. But I’ve never formally played with sexual power. So 2013 looks like an informative year! I will be interesting to engage in kink education and become an active participant in my own sexual liberation. I’ve taken the step of joining,a kinky community that is helping me give language for this experience and offer insight on why some people do what they do. And this “Beginner” series seems like a good route, so I think I’ll stick it out. Maybe you’ll join me?



You’re Still Here?

Yes, indeed I am. It has been years and lots has happened. So much in fact, that I wondered if it was even smart to resume this blog rather than start a new one. But I’ve decided continuing something would 1) be a change of pace for my non committal ass and 2) be a great way to see if I have indeed grown in writing AND life, or if I am circling around the same lessons over and over. In either case, lets see where this goes?



January 2013
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