Archive for the 'Rants' Category

21
Jun
13

Lonely Potato

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I couldn’t help but indulge myself in a moment of self pity last night. As I snuggled up close with my fleece blanket to fall asleep, I realized – I’ve been sleeping on my couch. Not because I don’t have a bed. But because my California King bed is too big for my loneliness to handle. Every stretch reminds me of how no one is there next to me. I can roll over and over and over again before I run into Buster, my overgrown stuffed dog who is usually somewhere half on the floor and half on the wall trapped by the bed.

It came to me last night, why I have slumbered on my couch the last few days. It’s because if I press against the cushions just right, it feels like a hug. I know that sounds crazy, but if you’re buzzed, sleepy and apparently desperate enough – the imagination can do powerful things. I’m not sure what this man drought is all about, but I do know that between Spring fever and Pride month and the libido these herbal supplements have kicked in – I’m in serious romantic movie watching, ice cream eating, exasperated lovelorn sigh mode.

I’m trying to keep busy because I’m feeling like one lonely potato. And it is not a good look. Crazy how you can live a life that keeps you surrounded by people – and still feel so alone.

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15
Feb
13

A Day in the Life of Love

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It’s Valentines Day. I’m single, sarcastic, spiritual and stoned. So of course it turns into quite an interesting day ūüôā

Let’s see:
Morning hike to work, pulling a successful webinar out of my ass, car drama and a superhero big brother, words with a friend, power ballad naked karaoke for one, helping a buddy test out his new sex sling, and double stuff Oreos with my evil twin while watching Sex and the City episodes? Yes, please!

I might be going to bed alone, but I’m quite a sexy valentine to have. I might even put the moves on myself…

19
Mar
10

Aftershock

How can I be sad when I’m the one who broke it off? ¬†Feeling like every sad love song you hear and blast when you’re going through drama, but in reality I’m the person you’d be singing shit about.

Maybe love only hurts when it’s not what you expect it to be. Or maybe I’m just realizing what I lost. ¬†The loneliness is creeping in, and I have to get to know myself all over again. ¬†Have you ever been such a work-aholic that you didn’t know what to do with free time when you got it? ¬†Well now the 1 person in my life who got to see a side of me not at work, isn’t in my life. ¬†And I’m feeling the loss of way more than a boyfriend, or just booty.

He was the one who had access to the realities of my crazy ass scenario. ¬†And sitting here alone, with the empty walls staring back at me – I’m realizing how loud it is in my head. ¬†And how off centered I really am. Was I co-dependent? ¬†Was I clinging to the one good thing in my life? ¬†Was I in a pothead like stupor?

I have tons of time to figure that out.

16
Oct
09

Ignorance or Bliss?

Sometimes I wonder if it’s helpful to pay attention.¬† To care about the underlying needs or ideas behind people’s behavior.¬†¬† All it seems to give me is grief.

I’ll admit that it’s sad to realize that I’ve gone this long without paying genuine attention to my surroundings.¬† But have you seen my surroundings?¬† You wouldn’t pay attention either.¬† It seems like not paying attention would get me more money, better friends, and a satisfying relationship.¬†¬† It seems like not paying attention would allow me to blend in with colleagues and acheive just as much

It sucks to want to feel progressive and be surrounded by backwards-ass thinking.¬†¬†¬†¬†I’ve been trying to read more seriously ¬†lately, to really follow the news, to keep an informed opinion, and not stay in my tunnel.¬† But it seems that I’m too far ahead of the stupid people curve, but just far enough behind the iPhone brainiacs to find a home.¬† I can hold my own in a conversation, sure.¬† But it always seems like the 3 cool stats I memorize a week are never useful at the parties I’m going to.¬†¬†

Am I going to the wrong parties or amd I learning the wrong facts?¬†¬† From cultural awareness, to cultural competence, to cultural humility – I am trying to assert myself in the world just as I am realizing that I do not know as much as I thought I did about it.¬† And I think that’s the exciting part of the journey; realizing that I am on one.¬† It allows me to find strength and comfort in my struggle.¬†

But as I learn to connect the past to the present, my actions to the actions of others, my choices, my secrets, my relationships, my dedication, my follow through, my integrity, my purpose, my worth, my intentions, my people – it all makes sense.¬†¬† And I realize I always knew what I know, I just didn’t know it until I wanted to learn.¬† Something is being shaped.¬† My character and presence and potential is actualizing as I learn about the world.¬† Because for once, I can make an educated guess about where I fit into it.¬†¬† And from there I can assess what I need to do, what I want to do, and what I can envision as a future.

I just want to be able to bring empowerment out of the house with me beyond my job scope.¬† There was a time when people did the work that many people in the Social Service sector do for free.¬† But now economics and cultures of scarcity make it “less beneficial” to involve yourself in social change.¬† I do belive people should be rewarded for their efforts, but we are facing an uphill battle on so many fronts, that watiting is not a feasible option.¬† What good is that knowledge if I don’t contribute to my community and share it?¬†¬† Community organizers are facilitators and support systems.¬† Translators and orators being stories from the past to shape the course of the future.

I can’t wait until I feel I’ve “gotten smart enough” to pay attention.¬†¬†¬† Hopefully, I’ll always be smarter tomorrow than I was yesterday.

21
Jun
09

Making A Life or Making A Living

So I’m attempting to educate myself on the Non-Profit Industrial Complex (NPIC), since I seem to have a job that eats my soul and at the same time keeps me connected to what’s important in this world.¬†

When I got to my job, I was inspired by the supportive activist environment, the commitment to learning and expanding an analysis of the world, and the opportunities I was afforded in being connected with radical thinkers and big hearted community organizers.  While this spirit and memory still lives with me in my work, I am finding it harder to sustain my work (and sanity unfortunately) because I am responsible for keeping this spirit alive.  Any being an individual trying to keep a collective consciousness vivid Рis a challenge.

And lately, as economic crises come 5 a week, I am wondering how out of touch with my instincts I am.¬† I am wrapped in the drama – of my accountability to the communities I am serving as a “professional”, to the funding game I have to play that prioritizes everyon’e opinons but mine, and grappling with feeling underappreciated for all my hard work and egotistical for wanting/needed to feel appreciated.¬† Damn!

So how do you make a living from social justice work and still hold high standards for civic involvement outside of the 60-hour work week?¬† I hope I am moving closer to that balance…

10
Mar
09

CQ vs. The Gym

I don’t want to be too witty and self-revealing here, because my main goal is to use this writing to catch my lazy ass.¬†¬† And I don’t want this to be a self-pitying “I’m fat” type of thing, either.¬† I just really need to get my ass to the gym for real.¬† Not because I want to look good in a swimsuit this summer – okay I definitely want to look good in a swimsuit this summer – but that’s not why I have to go to the gym.¬† Nor is it because I think the world is ending soon and I want to look good when it does.¬† Or because I’m creeping up on 28 and a high school 10 year reunion this season.¬†¬† I don’t have to go to the gym because you can see the pounds of “I live with my boyfriend” flab, or because I can feel my shirts fitting tightly (and not in a good way).¬† I simply need to go to the gym so I won’t shoot anyone.¬† That’s not so bad.

When life is like a pressure cooker, physical release is good.¬† And I masturbate way too much as it is.¬† I’ve tried a few new routes this year so far with moderate success:¬† Balboa swing class was decent.¬† Snowboarding has been fun, but my tailbone is happy it only lasts a season. Until some major dance gets underway I need some physical outlets, and I’ve already exhausted the list of reasons why.

So I’m just gonna have to get off my ass and do it.¬† And as the days, and the weeks, and the months pass by I can look at this post to remind me.¬† Or maybe it will make me avoid my computer and the internet altogether?¬† Either way,putting it into words will bring something about…

03
Feb
09

Peter Pan

Apparently growing up means saying yes to shit because it will give you the inside shit that will help you succeed in your current shit where it seems like you just can’t get your shit together.¬† Shit.

2009 has been triumphant so far, and it’s only the beginning of February.¬† I’m in need of a formal and extended vacation.¬† But at the same time, I guess it’s exciting to face new responsibilities and challenges, because my boredom was causing me to make some bad choices.

But developing new programs?¬† Applying for hefty volunteer posts in local politics and activism, and managing to not only hold on to – but blossom – in the first relationship I’ve decided to take seriously?¬† Who is this wonder-prick?

I am trying to harness my energy in positive directions.  I was just so used to being optimistic out of despair, poverty, and cynicism Рthat I forgot to have faith in what I fantasized about.  Apparently. when you put a little faith into fantasies they turn into attainable goals and dreams.

A good friend of mine taught me the beauty of affirmations.¬† I just never internalized the lesson until put in the pressure cooker, determined to make diamonds.¬†¬†¬† In the face of increased work loads without increased pay, the conflicts of having to love my family, and the internal brain vs. libido fight –¬† I have managed to dance more than ever before, take up snowboarding, and start my application processes for graduate school.¬† Maybe I’m Obama-ized.¬† I just think I am tired of longing for the things I want as I sit full of potential.¬†¬† It’s go time.

Unfortunately as you show initiative and drive, more responsibilities come your way.¬† But I’m okay with living hard – as long as I play hard too.¬† So I’ll take those swing classes with my boyfriend, and go to church despite the homophobia, and make the effort of commuting to salvage relationships with my family.¬†¬†¬† It’s a different feeling to engage with life rather than comment on it as it passes you by.¬†¬†¬† And it’s unfair to have an analysis of this world, to really appreciate its beauties and suffer through its tragedies – and not contribute what you can to it.¬†¬†¬† I’ve spent too much time in awe of go-getters, watching quietly from the sidelines with better ideas and more compassion.¬†¬† If what makes me shine is helping those around me shine – then it’s all of our time to shine.

Hippie?  Or Revolutionary?  Either is better than lazy stoner.