Archive for the 'Witty Banter' Category

19
Aug
13

Putting the Ass in Passive Aggressive

So, check this out:

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I had let a complete, Logo TV worthy, gay mini drama unfold without once writing or whining about it (Well, except to a few unfortunate choice friends). But this passive aggressive text put me Over the top. This is a conversation thread from Scruff, an app for guys who are all misfiring into a virtual sea of other guys either looking for love, sex or something in-between they aren’t so skilled at articulating. Of course I love it. And I have made several friends, play buddies and even romantic options (granted, failed options) in this venue. But some conversations are better had in person.

A friend of mine ended up on a date on Christmas Eve. And as we had both been enduring a period of rather tangible loneliness, I was trying to be supportive of this good turn of events. Until he texted me a picture. It was my ex. I admit that I immediately tried to act as if I wasn’t too hurt. Especially recalling how supportive I was of my friend telling me about the “best first date sex he’d ever had…” I also will admit that a list of incompatibilities scrolled immediately through my mind; of how one was too sexual and one was too needy for this to ever work.

It worked. And it bugged me. I couldn’t figure out why for some time. When I finally did uncover the rationale for my anger, it surprised me. I was upset because I wanted to respect my Ex’s feelings on monogamy. I have been poly curious for some time, and have yet to find a suitable dating partner who is willing to explore something genuinely with me. It’s not like I need to have things open right away, but I am interested in negotiating once I have a solid foundation with someone. I struggle with revealing this too soon or “leading someone on” – and both usually leave me right back where I started. Alone in bed. I know my former friend to be much more sexually adventurous, substance partaking and morally ambiguous than myself – all qualities I adored until directed towards an ex I still had feelings for. And out of respect for my ex I won’t relay why I felt he would be particularly vulnerable to my buddy’s unique brand of manipulation. So I did what I probably shouldn’t have. I contacted my ex to let him know that he’d better get real clear on who he was with and what they both wand out of it. I admit, I wasn’t expecting the response I got.

I was told at it was none of my business (true perhaps), that they had talked and this person did indeed want monogamy (a lie unless this person has dramatically changed in only weeks), and that at least this guy didn’t cheat on his ex…( a jab that never came out while we were together, and interesting power/hurt play. Also unfortunate because the guy he was defending had indeed cheated on his ex. With me). This last bit made it clear that feelings or not, I was to move on – and let this situation resolve itself. If they could find happiness together, who was I to deter them?

And then this Scruff message. His asking if I was still upset. Referencing the one man who served as both of our last boyfriend as “that one guy”? As if this were an ordeal from long ago? Bitch, please. And to top it off – to let me know the man I left in order to respect his monogamous wishes was cheating on me? “A lot”?! Which I doubt, but even if It is so – nice delivery bitch. But this person has never been one to miss a dramatic opportunity.

So I’m not pressed. But definitely intrigued. And surprised. I had thought for certain this was a match meant to last…

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13
Aug
13

You’ve Got Male

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So, I got a text today. I know, interesting right? But seriously this isn’t the kind of text I get everyday. Although it is the kind of text I should get everyday:

Hi Carnelious, (sp?)
I just wand to apologize for my behavior yesterday. While you were the perfect guest I was sorely lacking as a host. Not only that your prowess as a top was impressive plus you were fun to be around, period. Your visit was a nice surprise and very enjoyable. Thank you again for your graciousness.

Crazy, right? The text that would redeem at least 75% of the 90% of dates that go horribly wrong (the other 25% of botched dates might be my stuff, I’m willing to admit that) finally arrives in my inbox. And (despite my misspelled name) it made me feel, well, proud. Proud that I am indeed secure enough in myself to maintain my grace and humor in the face of cynical gay minutiae. Proud that I can control my urge to either curse out, punch or angrily yelp about the elitist and judgmental gay who doesn’t want to be judged. And I guess, I might as well admit it, proud that someone finally “got” that regardless of their previous conviction – they’ve never really bottomed until I was inside them. i mean…as a sensitive, “Politically Correct”, mild mannered activist recently exploring his inner kink – it’s nice to have your inner stud verbally validated (in addition to whatever it is they usually yell into the pillow, that is.)

The only catch? I didn’t mind this particular guy’s hosting. Didn’t Even register it. He owed me no apology. Granted I’m a bit numb to manner-less gays, as to take offense to all of them would leave little time in my day. But there was no “continuation chemistry”. I was perfectly fine walking out that door with a familiar and hollow “call ya later.” And then this. He tells me what I’m staring at the phone, craving to hear from anonymous guys 1 – 9. And I’m not sure if I’m the Ass or the Hole. Or which is worse.

But beggars can’t be choosers. So ill take the compliment, politely refuse the second date, and revel in the fact that it is indeed possible to fuck some sense into someone.

Oh, by the way, I know what you’re thinking. And yes, I did sleep with him on the first date. Its not like I could afford to wait after all. If we were going nowhere fast, I at least wanted to enjoy the ride.

09
Jan
13

You’re Still Here?

Yes, indeed I am. It has been years and lots has happened. So much in fact, that I wondered if it was even smart to resume this blog rather than start a new one. But I’ve decided continuing something would 1) be a change of pace for my non committal ass and 2) be a great way to see if I have indeed grown in writing AND life, or if I am circling around the same lessons over and over. In either case, lets see where this goes?

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15
May
09

Macro vs. Micro

So it’s been a while since I wrote anything, and I apologize to both of my fervent readers.   I am inclined to think that my not writing is a good sign.  I have been trying to live life more than just analyze it – and apparently it’s keeping my ass busy! But what’s been underlying my thoughts a lot lately is how to separate a bad day from a bad mood.   How to separate the bullshit of people in the moment, from my overall love of people.  How to be constantly vigilant of the inequalities inherent in our daily lives, and still be able to find joy and laughter in moments.  Is it possible?  I think so.

I am for the most part a positive, optimistic,  and understanding person.  But sometimes I get so steeped in moods that it turns the situations around me miserable.  I think it’s fine to have some of both, but I am attempting to remain more centered.  Apparently I haven’t found yoga or pilates yet.  And don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to be any kind of neo spiritual hippie.   But I have noticed my potential for healing and enlightenment.  And it comes to me through others.

I know we’re all interconnected, but there is something to be said for projecting onto others.   I just used to think that projection was a negative thing.  And while it definitely can cause its fair share of drama – projecting works equally as well in the positive realm.  I’m in at least 3 situations I do not have any immediate escape from.  And I refuse to play the victim, because I choose to remain in those situations.  My job.  My relationship.  My family.  Three parts of me that are critical to my identity – but don’t make me who I am.   Things lately have not been easy, but they have definitely been rewarding.  And instead of being positive with people when I’m happy and sour with people when I’m feeling down – I am trying to invest in all my loved ones no matter what; but without expectations and within realistic boundaries for myself.

It’s a challenge, because sometimes you want to go all out for people.  But other times you want shit to do with them.  This is an unhealthy balance, because no matter what situation or mindset you’re in – there is always someone who can either open a window of opportunity and someone who can drag you down.  And both exist all the time, everywhere.  Mostly because they are in their own situations and mindsets when they encounter you.   And you might be one of those two people for them.  So I am trying to be the “opportunity guy”.   This is easy when I’m in a positive mood, but it’s healing when I’m in a negative mood.  And now that I’ve found that out, I’m obligated to live it.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still a sarcastic and selfish asshole.  But it’s a lot more in check that it used to be.   This is how it works:  everytime I feel in a sour mood, or would like a little support – i send out a message to friends or loved ones giving them the support I need.  It might sound backwards, but it works.   For example, if I am feeling insecure about work – dumb and incapable – i would give some shot outs to friends that praise their brilliance, and remind them that they are destined for greatness.    It might seem simple, but the impact of transforming your thinking from one of need to one of giving has some powerful effects.  It doesn’t make payday come sooner, or your partner magically understand your point of view – but it builds the support base you need to get through truly tough times.

This is a groundbreaking concept for me; someone who used to have tons of names in his cell phone, but no one he felt he could call when times were tough.  Either because I never bothered to keep up with folks, or because I was afraid that the only time we spoke was when I had a problem.  Or even worse – because I would avoid people I thought were needy and would only want advice or support (talk about projecting?).   But lately,  and with the help of being a Sagittarius trapped in monogamy, I have come to realize the value of investing in friendships.  I have disproven my own hypothesis:  being selfless with friends does not drain you of the energy you need to take care of yourself.  Giving always gives back to you – and exponentially.

And having a friend base is what makes it possible to accept the Macros of life without sacrificing the joy of our Micros.  I am a Black, Gay man and racism and homophobia aren’t going anywhere.   But I can still embrace my sexuality and ethnicity on a daily basis and find beauty in the struggle.  I am figuring out the Non Profit Industrial Complex, and bound by funding dilemnas and beauracracies – but I can still enjoy the successes of work and learn what I need to know to have a lasting impact.

I realize now that these contradictions are necessary.  I can’t put my friends, my family, or my life on hold until that day when I have worked hard enough to eliminate my mountains.  My mountains aren’t going away.  But I can give selflessly and genuinely of myself as I climb that mountain.  And I can help others climing similar mountains clear a path of their own.

03
Jan
09

A Picture vs. 1,000 Words

So I feel bad for not closing out the 2008 with some witty blog post about life.  God knows I had a lot of material.  But two things happened.  First of all, I decided to start saving the Emo stuff for my personal journal (you’re welcome).  And secondly, Greg got me a camera for my birthday – and I am obsessed with not sucking at taking pictures (which for some reason, I do).

But how dare I leave you, my imaginary blog reader, out in the cold?  With no insight as to how I spend my mediocre days?  For shame.  So here are a few of my recent attempts at the depths of photo journalism…

So why the obsession with photographs?  Probably because Greg is practically a pro – with his super human lens, ultimate camera, and middle of nowhere upbringing.   Now everything feels like a competition.  Running the lake? Let me grab the camera.  Going out to dinner?  Let me grab the camera.  BART commute to work?  Not without my camera!  Even though it’s bright green, and I have to replace the batteries every few days, this camera makes me feel like a somebody…or at least a cool tourist.

I’m just not so sure I’m enjoying my gift as much as I’m trying to earn my boyfriend’s approval with it.  But then again, his other gift to me was the chef’s companion for the kitchen.  So I guess I have to spend a little bit of time stressing about my cooking skills, too.

29
Sep
07

CQ’s Theme Song

This is definitely the anthem of 2007. It also has double meaning, since I also played the Scarecrow in a Stage Version of ‘The Wiz’. Though our high school version was the Broadway Play, not the Quincy Jones Motown remix with Diana Ross pretending she wasn’t a middle-aged Dorothy. My Scarecrow Song (I Was Born on the Day Before Yesterday) also wasn’t as cool as this one…but then again, I guess it’s okay to not have some things in common with Michael Jackson…