Posts Tagged ‘gay

19
Aug
13

Putting the Ass in Passive Aggressive

So, check this out:

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I had let a complete, Logo TV worthy, gay mini drama unfold without once writing or whining about it (Well, except to a few unfortunate choice friends). But this passive aggressive text put me Over the top. This is a conversation thread from Scruff, an app for guys who are all misfiring into a virtual sea of other guys either looking for love, sex or something in-between they aren’t so skilled at articulating. Of course I love it. And I have made several friends, play buddies and even romantic options (granted, failed options) in this venue. But some conversations are better had in person.

A friend of mine ended up on a date on Christmas Eve. And as we had both been enduring a period of rather tangible loneliness, I was trying to be supportive of this good turn of events. Until he texted me a picture. It was my ex. I admit that I immediately tried to act as if I wasn’t too hurt. Especially recalling how supportive I was of my friend telling me about the “best first date sex he’d ever had…” I also will admit that a list of incompatibilities scrolled immediately through my mind; of how one was too sexual and one was too needy for this to ever work.

It worked. And it bugged me. I couldn’t figure out why for some time. When I finally did uncover the rationale for my anger, it surprised me. I was upset because I wanted to respect my Ex’s feelings on monogamy. I have been poly curious for some time, and have yet to find a suitable dating partner who is willing to explore something genuinely with me. It’s not like I need to have things open right away, but I am interested in negotiating once I have a solid foundation with someone. I struggle with revealing this too soon or “leading someone on” – and both usually leave me right back where I started. Alone in bed. I know my former friend to be much more sexually adventurous, substance partaking and morally ambiguous than myself – all qualities I adored until directed towards an ex I still had feelings for. And out of respect for my ex I won’t relay why I felt he would be particularly vulnerable to my buddy’s unique brand of manipulation. So I did what I probably shouldn’t have. I contacted my ex to let him know that he’d better get real clear on who he was with and what they both wand out of it. I admit, I wasn’t expecting the response I got.

I was told at it was none of my business (true perhaps), that they had talked and this person did indeed want monogamy (a lie unless this person has dramatically changed in only weeks), and that at least this guy didn’t cheat on his ex…( a jab that never came out while we were together, and interesting power/hurt play. Also unfortunate because the guy he was defending had indeed cheated on his ex. With me). This last bit made it clear that feelings or not, I was to move on – and let this situation resolve itself. If they could find happiness together, who was I to deter them?

And then this Scruff message. His asking if I was still upset. Referencing the one man who served as both of our last boyfriend as “that one guy”? As if this were an ordeal from long ago? Bitch, please. And to top it off – to let me know the man I left in order to respect his monogamous wishes was cheating on me? “A lot”?! Which I doubt, but even if It is so – nice delivery bitch. But this person has never been one to miss a dramatic opportunity.

So I’m not pressed. But definitely intrigued. And surprised. I had thought for certain this was a match meant to last…

02
Apr
13

Closet: I Am that I Am

I am a Black/Native/Unknown gay cisgender male.
Raised Christian, Pentecostal to be exact.
I currently identify as Spiritual, Intuitive and Blessed.
I am in regular communication with God through myself, my ancestors
and the challenges of life.

I am Loving by choice
Open and Friendly by choice
I am hurt, but actively trying to let go and not hold that against you.
I’m insecure about my masculinity
But there. To offer an ear, a hug, a meal or a couch to loved ones in need –
And holding down a job, a home, and a life.

I am sexual.
I am revolutionary – which I feel embodies imagination, kindness, love and optimism
In the face of your ugly side.
I am ordained by Destiny.
Blessed by Spirit to make dreams tangible,
Yours and mine.
My words speak things into existence.

I am Visionary.
I am compassionate.
I am here to change the world –
To love you, to learn with you.
I am curious.

I believe that God made me in Her image,
I believe I am saved by Grace.
Spirit is with me, shining brightly
Whether I be in church, on the streets or in my lover’s arms.

I am a commitment to nurturing Love and relationships around me
No matter how clumsy or insecure I may feel.

I am a commitment to fostering Freedom for All
Despite the resistance of those I fight against, for and with.

I am a commitment to being Christ-like,
Despite my particular Christian programming.
I’m not what I oughta be, but thank God I’m not what I used to be.

If we lived in a world where it was okay to be “out” about all these things,
My heart would be extremely light.
But we don’t.

We live in a world where YOU have to think it is okay for me to be these things;
And therein lies the problem.