Posts Tagged ‘sexuality


You’ve Got Male


So, I got a text today. I know, interesting right? But seriously this isn’t the kind of text I get everyday. Although it is the kind of text I should get everyday:

Hi Carnelious, (sp?)
I just wand to apologize for my behavior yesterday. While you were the perfect guest I was sorely lacking as a host. Not only that your prowess as a top was impressive plus you were fun to be around, period. Your visit was a nice surprise and very enjoyable. Thank you again for your graciousness.

Crazy, right? The text that would redeem at least 75% of the 90% of dates that go horribly wrong (the other 25% of botched dates might be my stuff, I’m willing to admit that) finally arrives in my inbox. And (despite my misspelled name) it made me feel, well, proud. Proud that I am indeed secure enough in myself to maintain my grace and humor in the face of cynical gay minutiae. Proud that I can control my urge to either curse out, punch or angrily yelp about the elitist and judgmental gay who doesn’t want to be judged. And I guess, I might as well admit it, proud that someone finally “got” that regardless of their previous conviction – they’ve never really bottomed until I was inside them. i mean…as a sensitive, “Politically Correct”, mild mannered activist recently exploring his inner kink – it’s nice to have your inner stud verbally validated (in addition to whatever it is they usually yell into the pillow, that is.)

The only catch? I didn’t mind this particular guy’s hosting. Didn’t Even register it. He owed me no apology. Granted I’m a bit numb to manner-less gays, as to take offense to all of them would leave little time in my day. But there was no “continuation chemistry”. I was perfectly fine walking out that door with a familiar and hollow “call ya later.” And then this. He tells me what I’m staring at the phone, craving to hear from anonymous guys 1 – 9. And I’m not sure if I’m the Ass or the Hole. Or which is worse.

But beggars can’t be choosers. So ill take the compliment, politely refuse the second date, and revel in the fact that it is indeed possible to fuck some sense into someone.

Oh, by the way, I know what you’re thinking. And yes, I did sleep with him on the first date. Its not like I could afford to wait after all. If we were going nowhere fast, I at least wanted to enjoy the ride.


Night School

“Innovation is my whore fetish.”

I was sitting in SF Citadel, an event space in San Francisco that caters to the Bay Area’s Leather/BDSM community. I’d never considered this cohort of folks a “community” per se. When I think Leather, it evokes images of whips and nipple clamps, busty dominatrix ladies and human urinal guys. My take away message: More important than the idea that there are folks out there who find pleasure and release in an act you find despicable, is the idea that there is a community that seeks to understand, educate and support these folks.

This particular evening’s course, “Beginner’s Dungeon”, seemed right up the alley of my friend and I. We are both Queer folks raised in very Christian households, and both fairly experienced sex educators. And while we advocate for a range of sexual freedoms and rights for a variety of folks, we are seeking to deepen our own personal experiences through exploring our sexualities and challenging ourselves. We are newbies who talk a good game but wanted to engage with the community more and see what these scenes and events and folks were really all about.

So we grabbed Panda Express from the mall and brought our ad hoc dinner into the play, I mean educational, space. We settled in next to the wooden crosses, suspension supports, aftercare couches ( the whole concept of aftercare blew my mind with how common sense it was, and how none of us “vanilla” sex folks are invested in it.) and an amazingly cool retro disco dance floor that I would personally love no dance naked on. For the next 3 hours, this would be the setting for our kink u cation. I was encouraged by the diversity of my classmates. Older white couples and younger brown ones, friends and individuals representing a range of genders. All of us coming together on a cold San Francisco winter Thursday night to see if there was indeed something kinky about us, or if our partners or perhaps the alcohol had just gotten us all wrong.

It is critical for me to remain sex positive in my field. I can’t be a Black gay man working in HIV prevention and a judge folks for living their lives. And since my best friend recently began working in the adult industry, my liberal theories have been put to the test. I mean, I want her to be free and put those 36 Ks to good use, but I also want to stab her fans when they get out of pocket. So I’ve been facing sexuality on several fronts lately and am unsure of where I stand. It is a constant battle between the Church of God in Christ boy in me and my blossoming Radical Queer. I’m on a constant journey of figuring out how to be an ethical slut. Figuring out love and lust. Figuring out how to communicate from my head, my heart and my hard on.

It is also challenging to be a loving gay person in the Bay Area, where so many Mo’s bring their hang ups and projections. Caring is considered weakness. Optimism mistaken for naïveté. But I have at least begun to find a few magical folks who are proud of their spirituality, celebrate their sexuality and engage with their community. Thoughtful freaks, I call them. And a I grow stronger in myself, I notice something inside me longing to get out. I am not sure if this something is my inner freak or not, but I figure I can afford to let it out since I’d be thoughtful about it, right? Maybe it’s that wild macho top stud muffin porn star. Maybe it’s another layer of nerd I’ve yet to uncover.

I had always thought of top as referring to cock in ______. ( I’ll let you decide which openings work better for your imagination.) I didn’t really conceptualize the top as scene builder and mover, as making a space where a bottom could let go of control and be subject to the control of a top who could push his limits in the most sexy and innovative ways.

So much of my work intersects with trauma; folks surviving assault, hate and identity inspired violence, self-loathing, survival sex, and the list goes on. I am a commitment to loving and caring for these communities. But all too often, my hyper sensitivity to boundaries and consent interferes with the sexiness of “the moment”. Even when my bottom says yes, I find myself double and sometimes triple checking. I suspect this is because I know what it’s like to have a top who doesn’t respect the limits. That is something that sticks with you, and that I never want to re create. But I’m not that top.

I deserve, and my bottom(s) deserve the full-on, hot, deep, rich f*ck that comes from truly letting go and trusting your partner. But I’ve never formally played with sexual power. So 2013 looks like an informative year! I will be interesting to engage in kink education and become an active participant in my own sexual liberation. I’ve taken the step of joining,a kinky community that is helping me give language for this experience and offer insight on why some people do what they do. And this “Beginner” series seems like a good route, so I think I’ll stick it out. Maybe you’ll join me?



July 2018
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